the story i tell myself

We all tell ourselves stories. 

Some are true, some are realistic but questionable, and others are downright lies. Often they can be fairytales. An image that doesn't exactly match our hopes but we fantasize that it does and in doing such we believe in its truth. 

Humans are experts at making our thoughts feel both important and true, even if they are anything but grounded in reality. We need to make the obtrusive thoughts that pop into our heads feel true just as we relish in sharing those thoughts with others. 

Sometimes, speaking out about a reality that doesn't actually exist can catalyze that fantasy into reality. This is the positive effect of delusion. Yet more often than not, the nature of the reality believed in is self-deprecating or harmful to others. 

Just as we often like to tear down each other, we also like to tear down ourselves.  *****

So what story have I been telling myself as of late?

Struggling to come to terms with a decline in creative awareness and skill, I told myself that I wasn't creative anymore. 

The girl who wrote hundreds of unfinished novels, songs, poems...created magazines, took her camera everywhere she could, attempted many unfinished craft projects... who sang, danced, painted, imagined....

How could she just not be creative anymore? Does creativity die on it's own? Or does it get squelched by external factors... even if those external factors include your self. 

***********

A realization came to me during a new moon cacao ceremony at a women's circle. We were setting our intentions for the evening and immediately what came to me was the word "Creativity".  As we shared and spent time in meditation with the cacao, I realized that I had a complicated relationship with creativity. What had happened to that young girl who wrote countless unfinished novels, made magazines with poetry and imaginary worlds, drew, practiced photography, caught hundreds of butterflies on my window, and pretended to be a famous singer? Why did creativity feel so easy then, how it flowed out of me so naturally, and now it often feels like i can barely grasp for it?

During the meditation, my mind contemplated myself as a child and a part of the puzzle began to become clear. As I thought how it felt to be a child and eventually grow into a teen, what was I told? While my parents complimented my creative works and wanted me to practice it at a young age, this did not carry over as I became older. My parents saw me work so hard to purchase better cameras, but I could never afford the ones that would actually help me get to the next level. Once I saw my peers having much nicer cameras, I stupidly gave up as it didn't feel like a possibility for me. No one told me to keep up with my creative pursuits as I aged. No one encouraged that in me, rather the focus became preparing for college and how to be a good Godly wife. Society doesn't care about your creativity, it cares about your productivity. And I'm not blaming anyone for my own diminishing focus in creativity, I'm just making a comment on the lack of encouragement. while I never wanted to pursue the arts professionally, my dad would always make comments about many artistic studies being a "plan B  major" and talk about more serious endeavors to pursue in life for stability and holiness. And as I grew older and more social, I was feeling so lacking of social connection in my homeschool community. In highschool, a lot of my writing turned towards existentialism and feeling bored and unstimulated and separated....leading to me to put a high value in social pursuits. I was often the friend trying to plan intentional hangouts and trying to build community in the midst of many people that bored the shit out of me and had no zest for life. So imagine when college came, with the immense workload and busy schedules and many social outlets - where could creativity have the time to flourish? Especially while navigating that and an overwhelming Christian community that demanded much attention. Pursuing faith and education while growing friendships will take up most of the pie of time for most people, and the only people i knew who were still able to keep up with creative pursuits were the ones who dropped out. ***

I remember all the pressure I felt - feeling like I wasn't doing enough in comparison to my peers who were doing way more than me, but wanting time for creativity, but not feeling like that meant anything while trying to pursue a career, while trying to balance all of that with a spiritual life, while trying to create meaningful friendships. The system does not make it easy to flow. 

As I grew older and more separated from my creativity, I remember feeling down about this. oh I just cant play the piano as well anymore! Ahh my voice didn't stay on key! Ug I cant draw or paint anymore. On and on, repeating negative self-talk in my frustration. I didn't realize this at the time of course, and let life take over me with it's business. And by the time I started feeling that a change need to be made (after my permaculture course),  I was too in the pit of grad school and working 3 jobs while navigating complicated relationships and being around energy suckers. Ofcourse a plant is not going to bloom in that environment. 

The biggest thing I've had more of now is time, and the process of getting there has been hard. *****

I realized in that cacao ceremony how I let the negative self talk still invade my mind. And I realized that I most absolutely need encouragement. Encrouaging words from myself and my partner to rise up out of that. There's been times that things are said without a negative intention but I feel bad and angry at myself from them.... why don't you do that, you never make this, etc etc

You want to know your partner? I am someone who absolutely thrives on words of affirmation. 

One of the most powerful moments I experienced recently was at an ecstatic dance day festival in Tulum. Earlier in the day, we did a Lotus Love Walk, in which were anointed with lotus tinctures and one by one, walked through a circle of the others with our eyes shut. As you slowly walked through the inner ring and outer ring of people, each person touched you in a loving, energy-giving manner and some whispered encouragement in your ear. "You are beautiful", "you are exactly who you need to be", "you are loved"... these were some of the words whispered gently yet powerfully through my ear as my body was caressed with loving touches. Tears came to my eyes momentarily. 

While almost anyone would enjoy this kind of experience, it wasn't just enjoying it that touched my heart. It was the affectionate, affirming energy that I received from an entire crowd of humans. Because I am a person that thrives on the encouragement of both others, and from myself. Encouragement, affirmation, they are huge driving forces in my life. I could be doing something absolutely incredible, and feel proud of myself for it, but when I'm also affirmed by the people in my life who I love, I take off like a hot air balloon with a hole poked in it. 

 self awareness

not caring what people think 

not concerning myself

creativity

cacoa ceremony and self discovery with creativity and the story i tell myself

what happened to that young girl 

what brings creativity, words of affirmation, love, encouragement

understanding this whole world?? rEligions? sprituayly? taking precious stones from the earth? grounding? ITS SO OBVIOUS WHY WER ARE SICK WHY THE EARTH IS DYING

sound frequencies

"they had to trust their intuition becuase they did not have science and history" ----->>> why we have lost touch and why we think ancient practices are worthless when they are the real teachers that enabled us to get to the point where we have science and history now 

• What does a child do? they flow “i see a butterfly, im going to chase it”
• Social conditioning tells us “no”, pay attention, stop chasing butterflies, behave, etc.
• This puts u in our mind and has us thinking “should i do this?” instead of acting in flow, we are lost in thought
• Spiritual awakening is coming back from the head and into the heart